We have all done it. We had a bad day, something disappointing happened, we are angry and feel powerless; so we turn to “a little retail therapy” to feel better. But inside we know, going deeper in debt will only make us feel worse in the long run. Nearly every patient I speak to tells me that they have this problem. So you are not alone.
And we have all learned all the typical advice; have a budget, track spending, use cash,...
Yet we fall into the same trap time and again.
What can we do? How can we stop this unhealthy behavior that makes our lives more difficult? To be honest, it is not easy to curtail impulsive spending. So it is something we have to put effort into fighting against.
First it is important to recognize that impulse spending is often a way to cope. It takes our mind off what is bothering us so that we can feel better. But it eventually hurts us. So just saying that out loud can sometimes shift the energy around our feelings and change our behavior. “I want to buy (INSERT NAME OF ITEMS HERE) but what is really going on is that I feel (INSERT NAME OF EMOTION) because (DETAIL OF WHAT HAPPENED).
Sometimes we shop so that we have things that make us feel more valuable. We don’t feel good about ourselves. Our self esteem is low and so we feel the need to possess a luxury item. We want to appear wealthy or trendy to fit in. Ask yourself if you are being too materialistic and think about how getting into that mindset pulls us further from our authentic selves.
Using “Stream of Thought Journaling” is a great way to figure out your impulse spending. See my blog post here -> https://virtualnpcg.wixsite.com/website-3/post/how-to-deal-with-big-changes-in-your-life
Write about what is going on in your life. What are you feeling? How will buying the item help you? How will it hurt you? What will you feel like after you buy it? Write about who you authentically are as a human being. Write about your value in terms that do not involve material possessions. “I am a good friend. When Jane was in the hospital, I took care of her dog for 2 weeks. I am a good human. That is what makes me valuable. A fancy jacket does not give me value as a human.” Practice self compassion. Write “I forgive myself for valuing things rather than my basic needs, my financial security, my soul and my spirit. I forgive myself for hurting myself when I shop to cope with my feelings.”
AFTER you figure out your feelings behind your compulsion to spend, ask yourself what your true financial goals are. Come up with steps to get yourself there. Recognize how coping with your emotions in unhealthy ways places the things you really want further from your reach. Then put plans into action so that your hopes and dreams can come true. Name your savings fund something specific so it has more meaning. Rather than generically calling it a “vacation fund”, call it “My Fantastic Voyage to Tour Northern Europe Fund”. Dreaming of and remembering your real goals can often be enough to redirect you in an impulsive moment of spending. When you feel compelled to spend on something frivolous, take a few dollars and put them in your fund instead. Take a small sticky note, write a goal on it, and stick it on your bankcard as a reminder.
It can also help to practice healthy self care instead. This can distract you and shift your focus from the impulse to buy. This will help you feel nurtured in healthy ways. Get outside in nature, visit with a friend, exercise, etc.. You can even make things with stuff you already have at home by cooking, crafting or even pampering yourself with a home spa day.
Here is a great recipe for a facial scrub using items that you probably already have at home:
-½ cup table salt
-¼ cup honey
-¼ cup vegetable oil (olive, avocado, coconut, sunflower,...)
-1 tea bag (green, chamomile, black) or 1 T coffee grounds (it helps to further grind these into a powder if possible but can be used as is)
Mix all ingredients together and apply. Let sit for 15 minutes and then wash off.
Give yourself a pedicure. You probably have many unused bottles of polish hanging around.
Even doing something simple like applying lotion to your legs and feet can help.
You get the idea. You probably have many things on hand that can be used without having to spend money so that you can self nurture on a budget.
If you feel compelled to buy new clothes, make yourself clean out your closet first. Chances are you will find things you forgot you had. You may even feel overwhelmed with the number of things you already possess. This may turn you off to buying something new. Maybe you will realize you will feel even better if you clean out and organize your closet instead of adding to it.
Another technique is to have a rule that you will not allow yourself to buy anything when your mood is off. Being too low or too high can be problematic. Either mood extreme leaves us vulnerable to purchasing things we will regret later. A too low mood is when we are down, hopeless, negative, unmotivated, and the like. That is depression. A too high mood is when we feel way too good. Beyond what is healthy. On top of the world and walking on water. Taking names at that! Bouncing like a pinball from one thing to another. That is what hypomania or mania looks like. Being very stressed, anxious, or fatigued can also get us into trouble. It is hard to make clear level headed decisions when at these extremes. So if you are in one of these types of moods, it is the wrong time to be making important decisions. What you can do is check in with yourself. Be mindful of how you are feeling. And tell yourself that the purchase decision will need to wait until you are in a better place mentally.
A huge problem is “entitled shopping”. You may be upset with your partner about something and unconsciously want revenge. You may feel self indulgent because you have had to work a lot of overtime. You may be dealing with an unexpected situation that disrupts your life and makes it easy to justify the spend. It could be anything happening in your life that makes you feel entitled to a treat. And it would be a great distraction, if you did not have to pay for it later, with interest. If you recognize that you are impulsively purchasing things due to a specific situation, the best thing to do is to tackle the problem head on. Deal with the dysfunctional relationship, look for a new job with better work life balance, plan ahead when possible, or make healthier choices you won’t regret later when the unexpected comes up. Don’t allow these situations to derail your financial goals.
Shop therapy sounds innocuous. But it can actually be very serious when you have many months or years of impulsive spending to deal with down the line. Financial stress has a significant impact on mental health causing anxiety, depression, insomnia, and worse. People can and do lose their cars, homes and other possessions because they eventually can’t make their payments. Some people even get so deep into debt that they contemplate suicide. So impulsive and dysfunctional spending is no laughing matter and dealing with it is an important aspect of caring for our mental health. Even though it is difficult to do, the benefits of controlling impulsive spending are very valuable and improve our quality of life tremendously. With mindfulness around financial matters, and having some tools to curtail unhealthy spending, we can have the happiness and security we strive for.
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